don't go through my stuff.
don't go through my stuff ever.

you're a hypocrite.




fuck you.

you cry out loud when you’re reckless in the dark
you like the way it feels good
you love the way i make you forget
you turn me on, whenever you’re around
you like the way you feel it
i love the way i make you forget.

lately i've been getting killer headaches.
hopefully, tomorrow i'll be able to get in to see my doctor.

ugh.
if i call you at 11 and you say you're coming,
dont shit around 'till four and then expect me to figure everything out to go there.
if i call you,
don't have your fucking screaming friends in the background
and I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO THEM.
DON'T GIVE THEM THE PHONE WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU.
don't fuck around.
you're really dumb.
don't let them drag you to the other side of town
when you're going completely north.
honestly.
learn to think.

so i guess she does think about me. hm. i guess that sort of makes me feel a little bit better. at least i know it's mutual. i feel kind of messed up though, because i do probably think about her every day. i feel like shit for how i treated her though. we haven't talked in six months. i kind of want to write her a letter in the mail, no return address, just explaining that basically, i'm sorry. i really, really am, you know. i can see why she did exactly what she did, and i think i deserve exactly how i feel. but if i still hurt her, because she does think of me every few days, then maybe i'm even worse than i thought and that's even worse. i don't want her to hurt anymore. this wouldn't be half as bad if i could have at least been a decent person and forged some sort of a mutual friendship. i just kept being a bitch. if we could have atleast stopped talking on decent terms, i'd feel better, and she probably would too. then maybe we could both just forget it. so i fucked up even more. and i don't even know how to make it any better, because she told me to never fucking talk to her again. and i know she means it. i haven't even tried. i can't you know. i always daydream about a circumstance in which i might run into her. that would be so bad. i don't even know what i'd do. i'd probably cry and run. but then she might laugh. and i'd feel like i lost even more. i wonder if i could even take standing there. what if she said something to me. what if she said something awful to me. as much as i deserve it, it wouldn't be salt in a wound. it would be ripping it back open. maybe that's completely melodramatic. i just wish i hadn't been such an awful person. i know i've changed, and sometimes i wish it had been soponer. i don't know if it could have been sooner. i think this helped me realize a lot, but if it had happened before, i could have spared feelings. i just don't want her to think of me as the worst person she ever met. i just don't want her to hurt, because she did nothing whatsoever to deserve it. i just don't want to hurt.

- pick up smokes
- start my sketches for a new painting
- get my paints back from cara
- pick up tea
- look into new plugs

i made this earlier and i completely loved it. it was a raw pad thai! i don't usually make raw vegan food but i did, and it was so good.

blend: 2 1/2 cups of raw cashews with 1/2 cup sesame oil, 1/2 cup water, 1/3 cup orange juice, 2 tablespoons lemon juice, and 2 tablespoons shoyu, 3 tablespoons serrano chili, 1 tablespoon fresh ginger in a food processor.

i mostly did it to taste, to adjust whatever you need to suit your likings.

throw that on top of thinly sliced zucchini "noodles", shredded purple cabbage, carrots, diced tomato, cilantro, and topped with just a tidbit of coconut if that's something that you like.

and serve. :]

incase any of you want to make vegan chocolate chip cookies, this is probably the best recipe i've ever used. chocolate chip cookies: 3/4 cup dry sweetener 1/2 cup margarine 1/2 cup oil 3 tbsp water 2 tsp vanilla extract 2 1/4 cups flour 1 tsp baking soda 1/2 tsp salt 1 - 1 1/2 cups chocolate chips preheat oven to 375*F. in a small bowl, stir together sweetener, margarine, oil, water, and vanilla. in a large bowl, mix together the flour, baking soda and salt. add the margarine mixture and the chocolate chips and mix together well. scoop spoon-sized portions onto an unoiled cookie sheet and bake for 8-10 minutes or until the edges are browned. let cool before removing from cookie sheet. makes 6 large or 12 small cookies. enjoy. :]